totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
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You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
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I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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