I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
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We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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