Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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