and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
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Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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