anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
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Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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