I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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