i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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