P.S. I can't hear my feet
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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