You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
4 words: hood of his car
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I didn't notice because vodka
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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