I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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