she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
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What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize