well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
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This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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