I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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