How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
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I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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