I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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