The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
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Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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