I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
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I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
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He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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