was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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