What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
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I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
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Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
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