dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
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What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
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The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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