Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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