sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
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Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
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Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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