Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
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I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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