Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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