Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
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There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
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He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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