tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
being pregnant is like rehab
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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