What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
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I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
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Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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