don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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