Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
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Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
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he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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