Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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