im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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