How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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