Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize