I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
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Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
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Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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