my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
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You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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