I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
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you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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