yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize