think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
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Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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