Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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