This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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