Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
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the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
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After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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