I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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