my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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