Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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