a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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