Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
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She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize