Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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