so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
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Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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