when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
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WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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