So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize